Photo taken by me (Jaycee) at Serengeti National Park in June 2017.
I’ve changed. My body has changed, my interests have changed, my friends have changed, my relationship status has changed, my hopes and dreams have changed, my religion has changed, everything, everything, everything, has changed.
It’s exciting and terrifying how I am a totally different person than I was one year ago, two years ago, five years ago. I am so utterly different, the only thing that is the same about me is that I know, deep down, I am in some way or another the same person.
But I have nothing in common with who I have ever been in the past as a person, I just know, somewhere, somewhere, I am still in some physical or spiritual form that same person.
I am in a spot now where I constantly think excitedly about what I want out of my life and how I can live up to my own standards. I’m just about to graduate college and I have the world before me, I suppose.
Where am I going? What am I doing? What do I want?
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot, live the American Dream work some 9-5 job and buy a house and have a family. I cannot, cannot, cannot, imagine these things for myself, they are wonderfully beautiful things for someone else, but this would stunt me, this would stunt my excitement for life, this would stunt my beliefs in who I am.
I have to go somewhere else. I have to meet more people. I don’t know enough languages. I haven’t been enough places.
I applied for a temporary position teaching English in Japan next year and I’m kind of banking on this pulling through for me. This is where I want to be next year and I’m hoping it will be the beginning of a somewhat-nomadic lifestyle for me.
I was in the middle of applying to Master’s programs when I realized I have no idea if I want to do this right now. I’m still applying to one because I really do have a fiery passion for African primates and habitat conservation and ecology. I see myself back out there in the savannas of Tanzania or the forests of Madagascar, or Uganda, Rwanda – I see myself out there, dirty, sweaty, sunburnt, with my dirty backpack that holds Kilimanjaro water bottles and bent, dust and coffee-stained notepads and broken pencils and sunscreen.
But should I do this now? Or should I work odd jobs around the world and live on the couches of people I want to meet, writing, writing, forever dreaming of where I’ll go next and the stories I’ll hear and where life will take me.
I am just so excited. What the hell am I doing?
I’m getting excited just writing this post. I want this life and I know, vaguely, as much I can, how I can do it. How exciting. How terrifying.
I have no idea what direction this blog is headed in, because it’s headed in whatever direction I’m headed in. And I have just no freaking idea what direction that is and it’s amazing.
I hope I end up on a lifetime adventure and I hope I can produce words for this website or for some other platform of whatever sorts that someone will think is worth reading because my life or my thoughts or my style is worth reading or at least worth some curiosity. That’s my dream. I just want to be interesting in the most authentic and courageous way.
I don’t know how often I’m going to post either, mostly because, if you follow my Twitter, you know this semester has been a nightmare workload-wise, but the semester is coming to an end and I don’t know what next semester is going to look like yet.
I hope I can find something to say though, I hope I can tell you my thoughts and share my current interests and I hope someone out there might also be interested.
Happy Thanksgiving blogosphere, you’ve been so good to me, and I’ve missed you, and I hope I can rejoin you now or in the very near future.