Finding My Voice + Mental Update

I want to start this post by first mentioning that it is 11:06 PM the night before Finals Week and I have not freaking studied at all. I’m just distracted AF. Then I was having all sorts of ~deep feels~ and felt inspired to make this post, and now here I am, not ready for my finals, and having to wake up at 7 AM tomorrow for my first one.

On that note, HELLO!

Long time no talk. I know. My last post was in AUGUST, and in that post, I said that I would be on a new consistent schedule of posting every Monday from then on. And you have not heard from me since. Lol.

But, that’s what I am here to talk about today; not so much an update on my life but rather an update on my mind? Just what’s been on my mind recently and apparently hardcore tonight.

I am in a creative rut and I have been in a creative rut for about 6 years. That sounds ridiculous but it’s so true. I used to create silly little YouTube videos with my friends and I was PASSIONATE about it. I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I have been missing creating content a LOT.

No, I have not created a YouTube channel. That’s something I would love to do but I just don’t see it happening in the foreseeable future. But I loved YouTube because I was enjoying a creative process and loved what I was making. I loved filming, I loved acting, I loved editing, I loved sharing the videos with my friends and family. And ever since my friends and I stopped uploading to YouTube, I haven’t found anything to replace this hobby in my heart.

This was why I started blogging and created Anthropolojay about a year ago. I needed a new creative outlet but was not feeling the whole YouTube vibe anymore. And, I did enjoy blogging on Anthropolojay. It was refreshing to be creating again. But I found that nothing I made was feeling… right.

I am proud of a lot of posts on this blog. Many of them are things I would read if I had not created them. But I’m not proud of all of them, to be honest. Some of them were half-assed, and many of them just don’t sound like me. I am HORRIBLE about comparing myself. I want my blog to be successful, at least minimally. Like, I want others to enjoy my blog, and interact with me. This is how I am defining success here. I wanted this, and so I kind of put on a face that I thought people might like. I even created some posts that I thought might be a bit more popular on websites like Pinterest. But it was just not me.

I struggle a lot with finding my voice. This is not exclusive to the internet. I am very bad in social situations. I just don’t know how to talk to people. It’s PAINFULLY difficult for me. And that’s naturally translated onto my blog, where at least I can think a little more about what I want to say. So, instead of just saying nothing at all, I have said a lot of things that are just not ME.

For obvious reasons, this is why I have been completely M.I.A. for several months. I’m not really going to apologize. Not that I feel like you are even seeking an apology. I am realizing that’s a really big-headed of me to even say. Like, “wow, my blog of like 5 people who read this have missed me so much I am assuming they are demanding an apology”. I know you’re not. Now I’m just apologizing that I even had this thought. Sorry for this tangent, ha.

Anyways, this year (2016) has been one of EXTREME growth for me. My life has changed tremendously in such positive ways. I am so thankful. The first half of this year was a bloody nightmare; but hey, when you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.

I am still terrible at talking. I am still terrible at finding my voice. But I’ve decided I’m not going to turn my blog into some fake version of me. If I can’t find my voice in IRL social situations, I at least owe it to myself to be able to type out the real me. So… here I am. Sorry if that’s a bit underwhelming.

I stopped blogging because it wasn’t fun. It was supposed to be a fun hobby, but I turned it into a freaking homework assignment where I tried to get people to like me. It didn’t even work.

So, here I am. I will be revamping this blog and making it a little more me-like. I will update you as time goes on, of course. I’m not completely sure what type of content will be going on Anthropolojay as of now, but I will unapologetically say it will be content I care about, content that’s on my mind, and content I hope at least one person can relate to or find enjoyment in. But, if no one does, alright. I will know I’m just not a blogger. But I’m not going to pretend to be another blogger with more success. I’m not going to pretend at all.

Sounds cheesy but I really feel that I’ve “found myself” this year. I am looking forward to the future and I’m looking forward to finally enjoying this blog.

Godspeed my brothers, and you will ACTUALLY hear from me soon this time.

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